Monday, 2 January 2017

But it was fun, right?

Everything I have read so far (day 10) says there is no such thing as a typical story. Everyone gives up for different reasons.

That is helpful to know, as I still have a niggling doubt in my head, that I am scared will become louder, that maybe I am not an actual alcoholic, as I didnt have any rock bottom events (I don't think).

I'd be crap in an AA meeting. I have no tales of sleeping in a pool of vomit and being woken up by crying children, I've never microwaved my cat, I have never been inappropriate to my husband's boss at a work do (although this might be a scene from a 70s sitcom set up, so much of my images are preconceptions). 

Preconceptions. That's it. I have an image in my head of what an ALCOHOLIC is and I sure as shit don't fit into it. 

But. One thing I have to remember. And this is why I am writing it here so I can look back at it. It stopped being fun - I dont know when, but it did. I sigh when I think of a heavy night out drinking looming as I knew what was expected of me (no social pressure, my own expectations). A confession I made to Mr T this last week (its been the Xmas holidays there has been a lot of talking now I am not pissed on red wine everynight) is that when I am working away. I will flop back to the hotel, skype the kids and set my phone alarm for a power nap. Usually 30 mins. This is to ensure that, although exhausted from my day, the journey across the UK, I will have a little splurge of energy so I can go to the bar to start drinking. Often with colleagues, sometimes not, don't care. I will rush the phone call to family sometimes as I am looking at my watch knowing I have to have some shut eye before heading to the bar. Another example of the alchohol getting the best of me. 

Is that fun Maccas? 

Another thing I am not sure you are allowed to say if you are an actual, bonafide alkie, is that I had some great times on booze. Yes, I read the books that have said (and I agree with) I would have had a great time regardless of alcohol presence or not, but hell. I had fun. Good friends, fun drinking. I want to never be ashamed of the past but just know that those times are....not exactly gone,,,,,,still the same friends, still access to the same days and nights out......but I have removed the cloud of drinking. The awful self imposed pressure of pouring drink after drink down my throat, with the knowledge that I wouldnt be able to function in work, or have any energy for my kids the next day, or the day after that probably. I'm free of that weary resignation. I don't have to drink. I cannot tell you how good it feels. 

I don't have to drink again. Thank fuck for that. 

No comments:

Post a Comment