Thursday, 19 January 2017

21 days. Realisation.

OK, so far this has been a doddle.

Like, surprisingly plain sailing.

Since I decided to not drink again on Xmas day, 22 days ago, I have not had one genuine pang of longing for alcohol........sort of............

On last Saturday night I did do something I wouldn't normally do. I went to the cinema alone. It was nice. I saw a film I really wanted to see and ate a huge pile of nachos. This was first time I was conscious I was filling in space that is usually occupied by wine. We'd had a lovely full day with the kids, I'd got up early for park run (still slow. Still overweight) usually I look forward to my bottle of wine in the night and create situations that will allow me to do it. - cooking an elaborate meal so I can drink what I want unseen in the kitchen, or sitting down to watch a Shit reality show making out its some kind of 'event' TV so drinking in the house, often alone, seems less odd.
I have genuinely not had one thought about *wanting* alcohol. But I've had spaces that have been conspicuously empty. If that makes sense. I don't want it, I can see the benefits. I can see the lie. But Im aware of the space.

On Friday I had some Shit, disappointing news. I think I'm quite a tough cookie but it caused me to cry for an hour and I just couldn't shake the feeling all day. I got it in the morning via email just as I was skipping around the house just packing car to leave for a weekend break with the boys.
I was aware how useful alcohol is in situations like this. I'd be lying if I didn't. I'm proud to say I genuinely thought "imagine how Shit this weekend would be if I had to deal with a hangover as well as feeling a professional failure". I'd drink to excess as its my right. My husband would quietly pick up the extra duties. I'd pootle through the weekend but wine evenings would be my priority.
But not this time. Blah blah, I can take another exam. No one died. I was a decent wife and parent and had no guilt to deal with.

So so far.
1. One strangely conspicuous Saturday night, but very enjoyable.
2. Been properly tested, and won.
3. Been sad and perhaps uncharacteristically taking things to heart too much.
4. Have some pangs about the future, like "what? Never?"

That's not bad at all is it? It helps to see it written down like that.
Stopping drinking really is the best thing I've ever done. I'm into my 4th week now, so we're not messing around anymore. Maccas is quitting.

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