Day 26 - Nothing Special. (Just good)

Almost a month in.

I wanted to jot a line or two down quickly this morning just to record how good I am feeling.

I think it is difficult to qualify just how tired and barely functioning I have been since April 2016. I am working away at mo, and I always take my running kit with me, it always stays in the car. I don't need it in my bed, or the bar or the restaurant (after I have finished work 'course)

Last night - again - instead of heading to the bar I headed for the hotel gym. Just a few miles on the treadmill. I would never have the energy last month.

Driving to site this morning I thought "I will just record how I feel today, how bright I feel" It is a grainy, dull January morning and I still had a spring in my step walking towards my car. I reckon all happiness must come from energy mustn't it? Even the happiest of occasions can have a gauze cloth hanging in front of the scene - making you feel distant - when you feel terrible.

I have been so tired for so long, and treating myself with liquid that just makes me more tired and makes me make wrong (not terrible, just not good) lifestyle choices, that I forgot I am capable of feeling this bright and alert.

That is worth recording isn't it? I feeeeeeeeeel good xxxxxxxx

21 days. Realisation.

OK, so far this has been a doddle.

Like, surprisingly plain sailing.

Since I decided to not drink again on Xmas day, 22 days ago, I have not had one genuine pang of longing for alcohol........sort of............

On last Saturday night I did do something I wouldn't normally do. I went to the cinema alone. It was nice. I saw a film I really wanted to see and ate a huge pile of nachos. This was first time I was conscious I was filling in space that is usually occupied by wine. We'd had a lovely full day with the kids, I'd got up early for park run (still slow. Still overweight) usually I look forward to my bottle of wine in the night and create situations that will allow me to do it. - cooking an elaborate meal so I can drink what I want unseen in the kitchen, or sitting down to watch a Shit reality show making out its some kind of 'event' TV so drinking in the house, often alone, seems less odd.

I have genuinely not had one thought about *wanting* alcohol. But I've had spaces that have been conspicuously empty. If that makes sense. I don't want it, I can see the benefits. I can see the lie. But Im aware of the space.

On Friday I had some Shit, disappointing news. I think I'm quite a tough cookie but it caused me to cry for an hour and I just couldn't shake the feeling all day. I got it in the morning via email just as I was skipping around the house just packing car to leave for a weekend break with the boys.

I was aware how useful alcohol is in situations like this. I'd be lying if I didn't. I'm proud to say I genuinely thought "imagine how Shit this weekend would be if I had to deal with a hangover as well as feeling a professional failure". I'd drink to excess as its my right. My husband would quietly pick up the extra duties. I'd pootle through the weekend but wine evenings would be my priority.
But not this time. Blah blah, I can take another exam. No one died. I was a decent wife and parent and had no guilt to deal with.

So so far.
1. One strangely conspicuous Saturday night, but very enjoyable.
2. Been properly tested, and won.
3. Been sad and perhaps uncharacteristically taking things to heart too much.
4. Have some pangs about the future, like "what? Never?"

That's not bad at all is it? It helps to see it written down like that.
Stopping drinking really is the best thing I've ever done. I'm into my 4th week now, so we're not messing around anymore. Maccas is quitting.

My Last Drink

I almost feel a fraud writing this title as it feels so dramatic. MY LAST DRINK. Like I am a proper rock bottom, scruffy alchie.

There was no drama. There is no tale of struggle. But I want to record it anyway.

Xmas Eve 2016, we as a family look forward to a late afternoon meal in the pheasant. Our local pub is fab, we love it, we settled the kids and husband says "what do you want to drink?"

My favourite 6 words.

And I knew, just knew that I didn't want any. Why? I am tired........but its more than that......I know that we will drink red wine, my poison of choice, and I am sick of it. I am scared of it. I knew I had to drink so I told my confused husband "I'll have a beer, with a lemonade top". What the fuck drink is that? Well to me, and the way I organise the drinking rules in my head, a lager top is not really drinking is it?

So I had two of those, got the taste for alcohol and asked Mr T to buy me two glasses of white (still not as bad as red. Rules see?) So by now I had had 2 pints of strong lager (3 units each) and 2/3 bottle of Pinot Grigio (6 units). As is the nature of the lovely booze merry-go-round I jumped on the prosecco in the house and had half a bottle of that too (4 units). Mr T had stopped drinking when we got in the house. He always does this now. It used to bother me but now I don't care, especially as he never seems to mind leaving me on the sofa to carry on with the wine.

So that was it. My final drink. A raging hangover the next day as I was drinking when I was feeling tired and unwell (post viral fatigue) its like I tricked my body into drinking, by forcing easy drinking liquids in first. I have done this many times. Vodka and cranberry is a great one to start on if you have a raging hangover and can't face booze. A couple of those and BOOM your body is back in drinking mode. You tricked it! You won!

I know all the tricks. I am an expert drinker.

But it was fun, right?

Everything I have read so far (day 10) says there is no such thing as a typical story. Everyone gives up for different reasons.

That is helpful to know, as I still have a niggling doubt in my head, that I am scared will become louder, that maybe I am not an actual alcoholic, as I didnt have any rock bottom events (I don't think).

I'd be crap in an AA meeting. I have no tales of sleeping in a pool of vomit and being woken up by crying children, I've never microwaved my cat, I have never been inappropriate to my husband's boss at a work do (although this might be a scene from a 70s sitcom set up, so much of my images are preconceptions). 

Preconceptions. That's it. I have an image in my head of what an ALCOHOLIC is and I sure as shit don't fit into it. 

But. One thing I have to remember. And this is why I am writing it here so I can look back at it. It stopped being fun - I dont know when, but it did. I sigh when I think of a heavy night out drinking looming as I knew what was expected of me (no social pressure, my own expectations). A confession I made to Mr T this last week (its been the Xmas holidays there has been a lot of talking now I am not pissed on red wine everynight) is that when I am working away. I will flop back to the hotel, skype the kids and set my phone alarm for a power nap. Usually 30 mins. This is to ensure that, although exhausted from my day, the journey across the UK, I will have a little splurge of energy so I can go to the bar to start drinking. Often with colleagues, sometimes not, don't care. I will rush the phone call to family sometimes as I am looking at my watch knowing I have to have some shut eye before heading to the bar. Another example of the alchohol getting the best of me. 

Is that fun Maccas? 

Another thing I am not sure you are allowed to say if you are an actual, bonafide alkie, is that I had some great times on booze. Yes, I read the books that have said (and I agree with) I would have had a great time regardless of alcohol presence or not, but hell. I had fun. Good friends, fun drinking. I want to never be ashamed of the past but just know that those times are....not exactly gone,,,,,,still the same friends, still access to the same days and nights out......but I have removed the cloud of drinking. The awful self imposed pressure of pouring drink after drink down my throat, with the knowledge that I wouldnt be able to function in work, or have any energy for my kids the next day, or the day after that probably. I'm free of that weary resignation. I don't have to drink. I cannot tell you how good it feels. 

I don't have to drink again. Thank fuck for that.