Saturday, 25 February 2017

Is Something Missing? Day 62

Day 62.
So day 60 came and went. I'd set an alarm as seemingly this was my original target. My phone bleeped, I mentioned it to my husband and he said "oh". In a gentle, that's nice dear way.
I think this damp squib set the tone for the next few days. I was on a nice family half term holiday (Butlins. Which previously I've chosen as it's set up is around acceptable drinking around your kids), I was disappointed to find I was......not missing as such.......but definitely feeling the space that was previously occupied by alcohol.
So. I find myself on a Friday night at home. The holiday washing is sorted. The kids are in bed early. I have the place to myself and I'm feeling very very flat. Not sad. Not tired. Not feeling any stress. Just flat.

Now this!!!! **This** is the space occupied by wine. I don't think I used it to suppress any thing, but add a bit of something to the daily dull hum of life. 

That sounds so ungrateful doesn't it? 

Nice warm house. Beautiful kids tucked up in bed after a lovely family holiday. And still I need more. I'm always looking for a bit more of everything.
A bit more.
I'm always the last one to bed. I'll always fit in another slice of pizza. I'll always want to open another bottle......
I dunno what any of this means at the moment. But I'm sure I'll find out in the future. I have to learn to just be 'still' and ordinary. Life is just vanilla sometimes.
Oh, and that Friday night? I ended up doing my memory jar, which was hugely over due. And then my monthly expenses. Boring? Yes. Did I feel good at end of night to have walked out those feelings? Fuck yeah.
Up Saturday morning for park run and a fun day with the kids. The vanilla night before allowed this. Maybe I'll get a taste for vanilla. Everything doesn't have to be mega double fudge cherry ripple explosion flavour, every night.


  1. Hello Maccas. I totally get you. I absolutely remember feeling exactly like that. You've described it brilliantly. More. Want More. Don't worry, it goes away. It is exactly as you say "It's the space that was occupied by the alcohol". It sounds boring but honestly that space eventually gets filled with just being real. And you get to love it. Doing normal boring real things with your time. It takes a while to not miss it. But it happens, and feeling the clarity and living the rawness of permanent reality become something you'd not trade for anything. You look back, and you might miss a bit of the fun and laughter, but you see it all for what it is. False bullshit. It is hard becoming a true authentic version of ourselves, and changes in friendships and all sorts of things gradually take place, but I for one, would never look back. xo

    1. Prudence! How lovely of you to comment. My first comment from the outside world.
      I love your comments, you have hit on some things that have gone through my mind regarding changes too......

      Thank you for stopping by and for words of wisdom xx

      **off to check out your blog**

  2. Replies
    1. Ha! I love that people get what I mean about vanilla.

      I really am starting to love it, even whilst I am tasting it.....and not just the morning after........

      Thank you your comment Anne (great screen name btw)