Is Something Missing? Day 62

Day 62.

So day 60 came and went. I'd set an alarm as seemingly this was my original target. My phone bleeped, I mentioned it to my husband and he said "oh". In a gentle, that's nice dear way.

I think this damp squib set the tone for the next few days. I was on a nice family half term holiday (Butlins. Which previously I've chosen as it's set up is around acceptable drinking around your kids), I was disappointed to find I was......not missing as such.......but definitely feeling the space that was previously occupied by alcohol.

So. I find myself on a Friday night at home. The holiday washing is sorted. The kids are in bed early. I have the place to myself and I'm feeling very very flat. Not sad. Not tired. Not feeling any stress. Just flat.

Now this!!!! **This** is the space occupied by wine. I don't think I used it to suppress any thing, but add a bit of something to the daily dull hum of life. 

That sounds so ungrateful doesn't it? 

Nice warm house. Beautiful kids tucked up in bed after a lovely family holiday. And still I need more. I'm always looking for a bit more of everything.

A bit more.
I'm always the last one to bed. I'll always fit in another slice of pizza. I'll always want to open another bottle......

I dunno what any of this means at the moment. But I'm sure I'll find out in the future. I have to learn to just be 'still' and ordinary. Life is just vanilla sometimes.

Oh, and that Friday night? I ended up doing my memory jar, which was hugely over due. And then my monthly expenses. Boring? Yes. Did I feel good at end of night to have walked out those feelings? Fuck yeah.
Up Saturday morning for park run and a fun day with the kids. The vanilla night before allowed this. Maybe I'll get a taste for vanilla. Everything doesn't have to be mega double fudge cherry ripple explosion flavour, every night.

Things I think, Things I know - day 40

Yay. Well done me. Day 40. I'm obviously serious about this.......

My thoughts in my head (well they wouldnt be anywhere else would they?) are still not linear. I can think differently about an alcohol issue differently from one day to the next, i.e. "it is probably better to mentally never shut the door on drinking, that would be too much" and the next day "I should draw a line in the sand and admit I am NEVER drinking again to truly be free"

One thing is different this week. I have decided to tell people I have given up for a year. I started to not trust myself, and I know if I have a target I will stick to it. Also, it helps shut questions down from well meaning interested folks (f@cking eye roll)

So to help with these jumbled thoughts at day 40 (seriously, 40 days) I thought I would take some suppositions and guesswork out of my head and write down some facts. 

Things I Know

• I Feel better
• I have more money (£175 in 40 days!?)
• I know I want to be a better mother
• I know I want to have more energy
• I know I don't want to waste any more time. 
• I know I am exercising more and losing weight. 
• I know I look better (bloaty face has gone)
• I know that I love how I feel in the morning. Every morning. 
• I know I am proud of myself for making such big changes. 

Things I Think

• Alcohol doesn't add anything ( I know this should be in the 'know' section but it is early days for me and I still have wistful thoughts of 'what, never'?)
• Not as easy as it was in beginning as I've left Gates open with "I'm just doing a year" maybe I shouldn't have done this? I wonder if this has turned me into an 'alcohol moderator' and not a non drinker.......which is what I feel like (latter)
• I think I am strong enough for this. 
• I have some reservations about upcoming functions - nothing challenging has happened so far. I have a work thing to attend over a weekend next month and it will be a HEAVY drinking trip. I have turned it into a positive by ducking out of the saturday night. My work commitments will be done, the rest will be boring and I can drive the 110 miles home to my bed and not be trapped due to alcohol. 
• I still have some wistful thoughts about alcohol, whereas the first 2 weeks was just pure relief to not be drinking. I think I had some great times. I have read this is normal so I am not too worried. 

Just writing this down has helped massively. The facts are undeniable. Sober wins. BOOM!!!!!!